Letter to 8-ball Allah

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Dear 8-ball Allah,

I'm so glad I'm back in a land which goes by the word of Allah the Almighty. I just came back from visiting my male cousin who lives in the United States of Imperialism, and I'm very distressed. I attended his high school, where I was being tempted at every turn by the infidel students who attempted to lure me into the path of Satan with their bosoms and tight pants. But the part that distressed me the most was science class, forgive me for saying this Allah ...but I was told that your creation of man evolved from monkeys! I would have screamed a fatwa against the female teacher, but I was momentarily distracted by her exposed calves and forearms.
Allah, my master, please sooth me with your non-contested words, do humans come from monkeys?

-Servantly yours,
Muhammad Ibn-Saud

Dear Muhammad,

Fear not. The infidels, just as with their belief in Jesus, have the order confused. I did not make man from monkey, but I do regularly make monkey from man, as stated my Surah 2 titled "The Cow:"
"And who transgressed in the matter of the Sabbath. We said to them: "Be you monkeys, despised and rejected" (v2:65).
Not only are the Sabbath breakers warned, but also the Jewish and Christian disbelievers. They too will turn into monkeys. As stated in one of my unclean Surahs, titled "The Women:"
"O you who have been given the Scripture (Jews and Christians)! Believe in what We have revealed (to Muhammad)...before We curse them as We cursed the Sabbath-breakers" (v4:47).
And unlike some leaders, I, Allah the most gracious and merciful, do have a timeline detailed in my Surah titled "The Repentance:"
"So travel freely for four months throughout the land, but know that you cannot escape Allah, and Allah will disgrace the disbelievers" (v9:2).
I now order you to cleanse yourself by completing the holy pilgrimage, Hajj, through walking around and worship towards a black box where my fav prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) declared that people should stop worshiping idols there.

I'm the only one and I'm great.